Why is writing it so much easier?

So here is what has gone on in the past two months: I've lost Greg my biological father who's alive and well, but then again did I ever really have him.....It's not the poor pitiful me I'm feeling, I didn't go without a dad like some people have their entire lives. I'm a lucky girl I have a mother whom I adore a dad that knew I was his and it didn't matter my blood wasn't from him, but I'm also a pissed off girl. Greg, in his head turned this around on me that "I clearly still have hatred towards him". No it's never been hatred, it's the fact that after 28 years he wanted to be a dad.....WHAT????? Maybe a friendship and all though we tried it was apparent we were two completely different people. Maybe the one thing we shared in common was the game of baseball, and I am far more a fan than he. Politics definitely off the table as that caused more than enough arguments, and was to be put off the table when it came to our communicating. Things were about par, him making a comment on facebook (the only way we communicated), me usually rolling my eyes because the man knows nothing about me. Then he did it, he went political on something I posted. I went off, threw his dirty lil secret out there knowing full well he'd see what I had done. I'm not ashamed of what I did, I only wish that he knew I did it on purpose, because he thinks I'm ignorant and "didn't think he'd see it!" News flash not only am I a woman, I'm a police dispatcher my actions always serve a purpose. This sounds so vengeful, but in my heart of hearts I know that isn't who I am! I know way more than he thinks I do but that's his life and not mine to judge. He sent me his gotta have the last word message, asking me to not contact him of which I haven't, no need to, there is nothing left to say to one another. I'm not a feel sorry for myself type of person, there is always someone out there who has it worse but like anyone I have fears. My fears run so deep that I've never told anyone what they are, it embarrasses me that I can be weak. Few people have seen me cry in a break down moment. I rarely allow myself to have them, but I know when they are coming on, and oh boy one is aaaahhh BREWING! Not only was I dealing with the "Greg situation" recently I was let down and hurt by someone I consider family. The details don't matter, what hurts one person seems meaningless to another. But when someone you love that much lets you down it tears at the heart and me being me I keep it bottled up insisde.....the tea pot isn't whistling yet.... And then I went and did it, I've begun to fall for a man that is sooooo far out of my league, and so completely out of my reach it isn't even funny. Every day I find myself wanting to know more about him then I think why, "this" whatever it is, is so unattainable, I have to be kidding myself. But I can't help myself, I absolutely love talking to him, even I have to give myself credit, he does enjoy talking to me. Somehow I make him laugh.....yes, I believe the steam is building up to a whistle.... I fear of opening up these feelings to others in person because I would be on the border of letting what I can't even write, OUT. Everyone has their secrets, things they don't tell anyone right? I'm not a lesbian, I'm not gonna pull a Thelma minus the Louise......I'm just scared sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit! Maybe I've put off the break down for now, because I so hate to show my weakness!

Being an Aunt

Until I became an Aunt I never realized the, responsibilities that came along with it. No not as much as their parents, but the stress and responsibilities of what you mean to them...Whoa!!! I was not ready for that, but I embraced it because the love you get back from them can never, ever be replaced. I have two nephews and two nieces, none of blood relation, however none I could love more even if there was the same blood running through us. I look at their faces and see all the innocence, honesty, purity, of course their sneaky ways and there isn't much in this world that could make me smile more. They are all a part of me through my friendship with their parents, or a marriage that eventually brought us together. They all make my heart grow, knowing there is so much more room in it for more. These are the ones that call me Aunt Rachel.... Almost 3 years ago this April 24th, I was blessed with my nephew Ethan. This lil guy holds my heart in his sweet little hands. I think of him often and have days when I'd give just about anything to get one of his hugs. When I was told my most favorite sister in law was pregnant with him, I was having a pretty crummy day. One of those days where "Yes, I know it could be worse, but right now I want to feel sorry for myself!" The news of Ethan's soon existence lifted me to a new high I never knew existed. My brother of about 3 years at that time and his beautiful wife, were having a baby, growing our family even more! Ethan couldn't have come at a better time, a time when we needed all the joy he brings us...10X more than I think even we expected to get from him. There is something special about this little boy, I know he will end up doing great things in this world! He already did when he wouldn't give kisses to anyone but his great grandma Marion at a family gathering. He is a kid that knows where the sweet stuff is! Ayden was in his mommy's belly about 5 1/2 years ago when I first met her for a job interview. Who knew then that when I asked what she was having and her gleaming response was a boy, and that she was naming him A-Y-D-E-N, not Aiden that Lana and her family would become an extension of mine and me theirs. I started my new job while she was out on maternity leave and 5 mos later she was one of my best friends. I believe us to be a match made in heaven. We became friends at a time when we needed a friend, not to replace our other friends, just a friend that cared and would always be there no matter what. That is how I feel about Ayden, he has his Aunt,Uncle and PLENTY of people that love him to pieces, but I will always be there for him. I'd let him fall to learn a lesson but never so to hurt him. Ayden is one of the most loving kids I know, so loving that when he gives me a hug, it's no question he just wants to,not because he wants something. Though I fear the day when he figures that out. Katelyn Jean- My name sake! The kid was blessed to get my middle name...ok there are other reasons behind it, but it's also for me. In fact I almost shriek when I here her mother sternly say "Katelyn JEAN...." it makes me look around for my mother. Laura and I have known eachother since I was 19 years old, we became instant BFF's, we connected have had our moments, prolly still will, as our birtdays are 363 days apart and being an Aries is no joke with us! That is what scares the poopoo out of Laura and I as Katelyn made her appearance on April 6th, only a day after her mothers...I have a feeling one day I will find our sweet Katie Bug grown to be a teenager on my doorstep with a note from her mother, probably saying something to the affect of "Please take her before I kill her!" But for now to see Katie's sweet precious face brings me to the realization that "HOLY CRAP!!!!! Laura has a baby!?!?!?!!" It feels like just yesterday we were sneaking off to military bases for one reason or another! I think it's no coincidence that I was there when Laura found out she was pregnant with Katie, that I was able to make it for her birth, that I will be there for her 1st birthday, it's just how Laura and I roll. Maybe we can't be there for the everyday stuff, but the big moments we are! When that ear is needed to listen or talking to is in order we know when to call, when anything can be said and no judgement will be placed, Katie will have me for that. When she thinks mom just doesn't understand her, Aunt Rachel will tell her her mom understands more than she thinks. "My pretty Zoe, pretty pretty Zoe, such a pretty baby, a pretty pretty baby. My pretty Zoe is such a pretty girl." I made this little verse up and started singing it to her when I was babysitting her, putting her down for her nap. She's nothing but sunshine on a cloudy day, something to hold and warm your heart! Oh how I know her mom is going to have her handfuls and there are no words to describe the admiration I have for Samantha. Zoe came along and Samantha became a mother, wanting to do everything right, realizing there is no way any one mother can do everything right. But learning from the mistakes made, was a key factor in being an amazing mother. Samantha put non pregnant females to shame, she worked endless hours of overtime waddling around starting out early making the best circumstance she could for her unborn child. Zoe will one day hear this from me, prolly the same day she asks why she has a white Aunt, at which time I know Samantha and I will crack up laughing. I took Samantha to Vegas her first time, and I have a feeling Samantha and I will be taking Zoe for her 21st birthday. As the years pass I get more and more babies in my life, and I can't help but love them in their own way...some are young children now going off to school. Some call me Aunt Cousin Rachel, because they are just to confused as to what I really am to them. What I am is just another scource of love, someone who endlessly cares for them. I am their Aunt, the one that gets to love and spoil them to pieces and give them back hyper off candy, take them places wear them out and let their parents deal with the tantrum of not wanting to sleep. That is until they become teenagers...maybe I better rethink all of this before they all end up on my doorstep! I will become their confidant, someone who at one time or another may have to keep a secret for them, while still holding my guarded friendships with their parents. I will know the time to protect them and the time to let them go, and the time to look at their parents and say "Sooooo glad that is your child!" Being an aunt is pretty freakin' amazing!

Just the other day....

Lately life has gotten in the way of things I not only needed but wanted to do.  The past couple months felt like gravity had taken it's hold and said "here is where you stay", even when the world was pulling me in 5 different directions.  We've all been there letting life get in the way and accepting it, well this past weekend I put my foot down on the gas pedal and drove to see my best friend and her beautiful almost 1 year old daughter Katelyn in Copperas Cove which is near Fort Hood. 

I fell in love with this area, it's hill country so there is a lot of green to go around, with fields of wild flowers and back roads to take you to places you only see in movies.  One of them being this little country store full of knickknacks to keep one looking at for hours.  The best part of this home turned into a store was the couple who own it, who also have their actual home right next door.  You can tell the two of them worked hard their entire life, raised a family they were proud of and now live as simple as they can, enjoying every bit of life.  It's truly something to strive for.  The old man took one look at my niece Katelyn and decided she needed a Beanie Bear in her life. 

While there another car stopped to look around and out popped the most gorgeous family of 5.  Gorgeous family as in loving, kids who listened to their parents, and parents who were patient with their kids They weren't the traditional family you'd expect to see on the back roads of Texas, they were out for a drive on a beautiful Saturday afternoon enjoying life and eachother.  It was funny to watch the old man switch back and forth carrying on conversations with us and this family, making sure the kids saw the goats he is so very proud of.  The mother and us carried on a conversation about the "exotic animal park" just up the road ( again not something you'd expect to find on the back roads of texas.) 

I watched the family load up and drive away, it hit me that the "not what you expect to find" can bring the biggest smiles to ones face.  It did mine, along with hope a whole lot of it. 

As we said our goodbye to the sweet old  man (really wished I had gotten his name), Laura and I both said we could have sat there and talked to him for hours on end, listening to his stories.  I see Laura and I going back to the house/store if only to see the sweet old man and maybe see something else I didn't expect to see.