Why is writing it so much easier?

So here is what has gone on in the past two months: I've lost Greg my biological father who's alive and well, but then again did I ever really have him.....It's not the poor pitiful me I'm feeling, I didn't go without a dad like some people have their entire lives. I'm a lucky girl I have a mother whom I adore a dad that knew I was his and it didn't matter my blood wasn't from him, but I'm also a pissed off girl. Greg, in his head turned this around on me that "I clearly still have hatred towards him". No it's never been hatred, it's the fact that after 28 years he wanted to be a dad.....WHAT????? Maybe a friendship and all though we tried it was apparent we were two completely different people. Maybe the one thing we shared in common was the game of baseball, and I am far more a fan than he. Politics definitely off the table as that caused more than enough arguments, and was to be put off the table when it came to our communicating. Things were about par, him making a comment on facebook (the only way we communicated), me usually rolling my eyes because the man knows nothing about me. Then he did it, he went political on something I posted. I went off, threw his dirty lil secret out there knowing full well he'd see what I had done. I'm not ashamed of what I did, I only wish that he knew I did it on purpose, because he thinks I'm ignorant and "didn't think he'd see it!" News flash not only am I a woman, I'm a police dispatcher my actions always serve a purpose. This sounds so vengeful, but in my heart of hearts I know that isn't who I am! I know way more than he thinks I do but that's his life and not mine to judge. He sent me his gotta have the last word message, asking me to not contact him of which I haven't, no need to, there is nothing left to say to one another. I'm not a feel sorry for myself type of person, there is always someone out there who has it worse but like anyone I have fears. My fears run so deep that I've never told anyone what they are, it embarrasses me that I can be weak. Few people have seen me cry in a break down moment. I rarely allow myself to have them, but I know when they are coming on, and oh boy one is aaaahhh BREWING! Not only was I dealing with the "Greg situation" recently I was let down and hurt by someone I consider family. The details don't matter, what hurts one person seems meaningless to another. But when someone you love that much lets you down it tears at the heart and me being me I keep it bottled up insisde.....the tea pot isn't whistling yet.... And then I went and did it, I've begun to fall for a man that is sooooo far out of my league, and so completely out of my reach it isn't even funny. Every day I find myself wanting to know more about him then I think why, "this" whatever it is, is so unattainable, I have to be kidding myself. But I can't help myself, I absolutely love talking to him, even I have to give myself credit, he does enjoy talking to me. Somehow I make him laugh.....yes, I believe the steam is building up to a whistle.... I fear of opening up these feelings to others in person because I would be on the border of letting what I can't even write, OUT. Everyone has their secrets, things they don't tell anyone right? I'm not a lesbian, I'm not gonna pull a Thelma minus the Louise......I'm just scared sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit! Maybe I've put off the break down for now, because I so hate to show my weakness!